my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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