Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
