I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize