Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
