Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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