Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
