my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
