I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
