dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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