McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
