just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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