he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
how does that bad decision feel?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
