remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
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I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
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I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
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