I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
