We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We were destined to go to rehab together
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
