you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
