dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
