just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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