Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
