he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
