From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
