and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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