I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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