Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
