So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
