one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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