I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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