So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
