How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
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I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
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He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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