We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
