If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Found your dick twin last night
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
