I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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