i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
