One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
