im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
