I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
