I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
