That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
