i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
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Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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