I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
