just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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