apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
