We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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