You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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