drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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