when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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