I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
