I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
