Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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