Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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