Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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