Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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