there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
